You deserve joy!

It happened one morning very recently. After almost ten years, it seemed impossible that I could have such mixed feelings, … but I did.

While praying for the day’s direction, I found myself very uneasy with the good things happening in our lives while friends and family members were walking through unimaginable difficulties. I was straddling between praying for their needs and my own thankfulness over the good God had allowed in mine.

However, the more I prayed, the more anxious I became. I even got up from my chair and began pacing around our living room to shake my feelings. I finally asked God in prayer what was wrong with me. Why was I so uneasy with the good He was allowing in our family? Then suddenly, He whispered very clearly in my heart:

Because you don’t think you deserve it.

Whoa. What? I had to stop and take a moment. I had an abrupt realization that I was experiencing what many people had described as “survivor’s guilt.” Robert was gone, and what I was feeling as a survivor after his death was a deep-down belief that I didn’t deserve to ever be truly happy again. In my heart, I silently rehearsed these thoughts and had accepted them without recognition. 

Do you know how messed up that really is? But it can be a normal part of the grieving journey. It is real in my life even now, ten years later. I didn’t know that both joy and grief could still be held in my hands and heart.

Since that morning, I have learned a few things about survivor’s guilt as it has affected my caregiving journey.

• My survivor’s guilt is a form of grief that feels undeserving of survival. In Robert’s rare disease community, I believe many parents may feel this same kind of grief but haven’t had the terminology to explain it.

• When Robert passed away, my sense of identity and happiness were deeply shaken. Good things showing up afterwards felt wrong and seemed like a betrayal of his memory.

My husband and I were celebrating long anticipated travel, renewed joy in God’s purpose for our lives, but sometimes the joy felt shallow. God’s whisper in my heart that morning was clear. I realized I needed to accept it as truth to move through my grief in this area with prayer and understanding.

Mixed feelings are a part of the caregiving grief journey, even if you don’t recognize the unfamiliar interruption one day. It is real, and it is okay to rest there for a bit. However, don’t accept this particular part of your grief journey as the place where you need to grow roots.

You deserve joy, happiness, and a life filled with good things. If you are not there right now in your grief, I understand. But when good starts to happen again, remember what you are feeling is temporary and joy will return … one day.

Listening Library: “Rise Up” (Andra Day)

https://youtu.be/LDffmI0ncfo?si=kg8d2tgfBkRyr2II

Rise Up

You're broken down and tired

Of living life on a merry go round

And you can't find the fighter

But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out

And move mountains

We gonna walk it out

And move mountains

Chorus:

And I'll rise up

I'll rise like the day

I'll rise up

I'll rise unafraid

I'll rise up

And I'll do it a thousand times again

And I'll rise up

High like the waves

I'll rise up

In spite of the ache

I'll rise up

And I'll do it a thousand times again

For you

For you

For you

For you

When the silence isn't quiet

And it feels like it's getting hard to breathe

And I know you feel like dying

But I promise we'll take the world to its feet

And move mountains

Bring it to its feet

And move mountains

Chorus:

 All we need, all we need is hope

And for that we have each other

And for that we have each other

And we will rise

We will rise

We'll rise, oh, oh

We'll rise

I'll rise up

Rise like the day

I'll rise up

In spite of the ache

I will rise a thousand times again

And we'll rise up

High like the waves

We'll rise up

In spite of the ache

We'll rise up

And we'll do it a thousand times again

For you

For you

For you

For you

Ah, ah, ah, ah

Songwriters: Cassandra Monique Batie and Jennifer Decilveo

Rise Up lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.,

TuneCore Inc., Universal Music Publishing Group