This is the part no one sees.

I remembered something this week which reminded me that my mental health was not always as steady as I tried to make it look when our son, Robert, was living.

One Sunday morning, while Chris was deployed in the Middle East treating wounded soldiers, I took Robert to our church service as I had planned the night before. I was dressed and ready. I felt at peace in the moment because I had actually arrived without much stress or medical complications.

Partway through the service, I stepped out with Robert for a moment. As I walked down the back stairwell, one of the heels on my very cute shoes caught on a step, and down I went. I fell down several steps while holding Robert as that heel on my favorite shoes snapped right off! I watched it fly down the stairs, while clutching Robert tightly before I hit the ground. It was not a pretty sight!

Do you know what I did for my mental health that morning? I got up very awkwardly from the floor with Robert, hobbled on one heel straight out my church’s back door, buckled Robert into the car seat, and drove home. I was grateful he was safe, but my ankle hurt, I was embarrassed even though no one saw me; my shoe was broken; and I could feel myself unraveling.

“Why God?” and a few other questions with colorful words circled around in my head as I drove home covered in tears. I really wanted to be in the service that morning with Robert. I needed to be there. But my emotions were not something I could hide in front of people. I just needed to go home.

Though not always, sometimes the right thing to do when you are an overwhelmed caregiver is to simply go home. I have left church services, stores, meetings, and hospital rooms because my state of mind was not in a healthy place. The truth is that I was not always able to explain or control what I was feeling, but I knew it was not healthy.

This is the part no one sees. This is the part we only admit to ourselves in the car.

I wonder if you have experienced what I am describing. Have there been moments when you just couldn’t be in a healthy mental place because something had driven you into a dark space? What did you do? What can you share with other caregivers to help them cope with hard mental health days?

I want you to really see this part, this part we usually keep tucked away. Because when you fall or when you need someone to steady you, you can reach out for help. Your physical and mental health on this caregiving journey deserve your attention.

You being well is crucial. You are worth it. Remember that especially right now during Mental Health Awareness Month.

Be well, my friend.